Day 13 (20 April 2010)

Good Bye

I have seen many ups and downs in my life so far. I've been on top of the world and down in hell. But, I can say with confidence that the past few months had given me the most beautiful memories I could have asked for.

 

However, despite all her goodness, there was one thing about Khushi that bugged me. She still had not told Himanshi about our relationship. I knew that Himanshi was possibly the closest friend she ever had and could not understand Khushi's hesitation in telling her.

Khushi tried to explain to me that Himanshi is a simple and indealistic girl and would not approve of our relationship (teenage relationships, specially one like ours which did not guarantee any "future", are still taboo in the small town of Pilkhuwa). She valued Himanshi too much to let a small difference of opinion ruin their friendship.

I still could not grasp Khushi's apprehension about telling Himanshi. As Khushi's best and most valued friend, she deserved to know. After a few frequent arguments, I lost patience one day. I gave Khushi a deadline of a few days to tell Himanshi and threatened to spill the beans myself if she failed to meet the deadline.

Khushi cried and begged me not to do anything. But I remained adamant. The day the deadline ended, I called Himanshi and told her about who I was and that Khushi and I had been in a relationship for a while now. At first she panicked. She said she had no grudge against me but was furious at Khushi for making such a mistake and then hiding it from her.

I tried to make her understand my point of view. She calmed down and asked me a simple question, "can you promise that you can go on to marry Khushi?". I was mum for a while. I finally came up with an answer, "I want to. With all my heart and soul. But given the family and social dynamics, I cannot make a promise yet."

But she had made her point. Now I saw the picture clearly. Himanshi's concern for her friend's future was justified. What was I doing? Did I drag Khushi into something the society and our families would not accept? Did I ruin Khushi's friendship?

It was my turn to panic! I could not afford to mess up the life of the girl who gave me the happiest time of my life. I asked Himanshi if she would forgive Khushi and take care of her if I swore not to talk to her again. She agreed. I thanked her and hung up.

For several weeks after that, Khushi tried everything to contact me. I did not respond to her calls and messages. It was not easy. Through the sleepless nights I spent crying and thinking about her, I hoped and prayed that she'd get over it and lead a happy life. She ultimately gave up attempts to contact me. She would occasionally secretly sms my friend Mayank to find out how I was (I found that out recently). Even I kept track of her well being through any and every source I could find.

I later learned that Himanshi eventually forgave her (though I still curse myself for the time she had to spend alone without me or Himanshi by her side to support her).

I have not talked to her since my conversation with Himanshi (save a few birthday and festival wishes).

I don't know if I did the right thing. I don't know if I did it the right way. I don't know If I'll ever be able to forget her. I don't know if she has or will ever forget me. I don't know if she'll forgive me for being so stubborn. All I know is that if I could do anything to fix it, I would. All I know is that I want her to be happy, not for a few moments, but for a life time. I trust Himanshi to do that for me.

Meanwhile, I'll spend yet another sleepless night, thinking about what was and could could have been.

"I know you won't forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave."
~Winnie the Pooh~