Day 05 (9 October 2007)

I Love You

In the past several days, I had tried my best to get to know Khushi as much as I possibly could. I befriended her close friends (although it sounds sinisiter, I assure you that I had the best intentions at heart). Through her friends, I explored what made her smile, what made her frown and learned of the little things that made a difference in her life. In the process, not only did I understand Khushi better, but also made a few really wonderful friends.

I made random excuses to call her and then deviated the topic to get her talking about herself, her parents and the rest of her family. She told me about her best friend, Himanshi (I could not befriend her as she studied in a different school), who meant a lot to her . Khushi too called me once in a blue moon (of course she did not have to and did not bother to cook up excuses to call). Our conversations progressed from sharing information to sharing thoughts. Sharing thoughts moved on to sharing feelings.

Before I knew it, I was falling in love over and over again. Everything I got to know about her gave me another reason to love her. There came a time when I had had enough. I spent ages opening my heart up to her and yet had not shared what my heart yearned for the most. I no longer wanted to make excuses to call her. I needed her more than ever. It was then that I made up my mind to tell her how I felt.

I bought a red rose and a "Bar-One" (her favourite chocolate) on my way to school that day. I had to say it and say it today. I rehearsed the scene several times in my head. I had to get it right. I would tell her how she made me feel, what she meant to me.

I could not pay attention to any of the classes that day. I approached her a few times but the flower did not come out of my pocket and the words did not come out of my mouth. When the day was about to end, I started to worry. I saw an opportunity and called her into a vacant nursery classroom.

She waited a while for me to say something. My lips failed to form words. She urged me to speak and threatened to leave. All the elaborate plans, the words I wanted to say, the lines I had been repeating in my mind came crashing down. All I could say while handing her the rose and the chocolate was, "I love you".

She held onto them for a split second. Then, almost by reflex, threw the rose on the ground. "I won't throw the choclate because I like it", she said. She paused a while and then continued in an angry note, "We are very good friends. But what you want is NEVER going to happen. There's no future in your pursuit. I request you not to even think about it from this point forth".

I stood perplexed and paralyzed as I watched her walk out the door. I felt incredibly pathetic. I don't know why, but an old quote crossed my head at that moment : "If you love something dearly, let it go. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be".

I stood there staring at the wall. I tried hard to fight back a tear that welled up in my eye. All the dreams I had dreamt in the past few months had been demolished in mere seconds. Was I wrong in what I did? Was I not good enough? I found doubt creping up on me.

A second later, I had an epiphany. I had to get rid of these negative thoughts. I wiped away the tear, collected the flower and the pieces of my shattered dreams from the floor, and thought to myself:

"If you love something, DO NOT let it go. Do your best to hold on to it. Letting go of something you truly love is foolishness."

She may have discarded the rose, but she accepted the chocolate. I was NOT letting her go! At least not yet.